又到了假期，孩子们开心坏了，父母们却焦虑起来。
有的家长担心：“孩子一回家就要玩手机，说不得骂不得打不得，真不知道怎么办才好！”
有的家长觉得：“孩子放假在家就把自己锁在房间里，吃饭才出来。一天到晚见不到人，跟不在家一样。”
有的家长害怕：“孩子一哭就停不下来，一发火就蔓延得无边无际。怎么讲道理也没用。”
有的家长无奈孩子嘴边常挂的三句话：“你懂什么！”“烦死了！”“要你管？”
Holiday is coming. While the children were overjoyed, the parents became anxious.
Some parents are worried: "As soon as the children get home, they will play with their phones for a long time. To make things worse, they can't be scolded. I really don't know what to do!"
Some parents said: "The children lock themselves in the room during the holiday and come out only at the meal time. It seems like there are nobody at home."
Some parents are afraid: "It is difficult to appease a child when he is crying or when he is angry. All the words are useless at that moment."
According to observation, three sentences were often spoken by the children: "What do you know?" "It is so annoying!” "It is none of your business!"
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处于情绪中的孩子就像个铜豌豆，蒸不熟、煮不烂、炒不爆、锤不扁，惹得家长又气又急又无助，真不知道怎么应对面前的这个小脑瓜。
怎么和孩子沟通呢？
那可得先了解了解这个小脑瓜了。
It is hard for parents to deal with children who are emotional.
How to communicate with children? Parents have to get to know some principles at first.
Do you know? There are three ‘headquarters’ in Brain
美国神经学专家保罗·麦克里恩Paul MacLean认为，人类颅腔内的脑有三个。
其中，掌管本能的“爬行脑Reptilian brain”反应最快；掌管情绪情感的“哺乳脑paleomammalian brain”次之；而掌管理性的“智脑neomammalian brain”反应最慢。
也就是说，如果我们遇见某件事情，身体会最先做出反应，然后出现情绪，最后才能进行理性的思维活动。
回想看看，当发现孩子不听话时，我们是不是先感觉到自己脑门发热，脸上发烧，气不打一处来，再开始指责甚至打骂孩子。过了一会儿平静下来，才意识到刚刚的自己所做的行为，觉得自己在讲道理时没发挥好，或是自责不该打孩子。
Paul McLean, an American neurologist, believes that there are three brains in the human cranial cavity.
Among them, "Reptilian Brain", which is in charge of instinct, responds most quickly, while "Paleomammalian Brain" that is in charge of emotion takes the second place. "Neomammalian Brain", which is in charge of emotion, responds the slowest.
In other words, if we encounter something, the body will react firstly, then we may have emotions, and finally, we may calm down and think rationally.
In retrospect, when you find that the children are disobedient, do you first feel anger, and then start blaming or even scolding the children?
After a while, you may calm down and blame yourself for having quarrels or fights with the children.
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How to communicate effectively with children?
ASJ 102的幸福家和103的快乐家沙盘布置——有效的心理纾解工具
孩子在遇到事情时也是同样的反应过程：先情绪，后理智。
如果我们使用自己的理智大脑，与孩子的情绪大脑交谈，就会让孩子觉得不被理解，不被认可。为了获得理解与认可，孩子的情绪大脑就会加剧情绪的表达，由此激发孩子的抵触，使场面变得更加“惨烈”。
理智大脑对情绪大脑的征服，就像两种不同语言的谈判。各说各话，却无法理解对方，也不能达成共识。
Children have the same reaction process when they encounter things. Firstly they are emotional, then they calm down and think rationally.
If we communicate with the children who are emotional in a rational way, we will make our child feel misunderstood and unrecognized.
In order to gain understanding and recognition, the children may intensify the expression of emotions. Children may be more resistant and the scene became intense.
The conquest of Emotional Brain by Rational Brain is like a negotiation among people using two different languages. Though they are communicating, the words they have said cannot be understood by others and no consensus can be reached.
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所以，我们需要先把孩子的情绪“翻译”出来。孩子的情绪大脑得到关照与安抚后，理智大脑才能上线，与我们进行思维的对答。
怎么安抚情绪呢？讲个小故事吧。
有个孩子在校园里大发脾气，无论旁边的人怎么制止劝说，他都听不进去，也不肯说话。小脸皱着，小拳头捏着，身体紧绷绷的，一副随时要打架的阵势。
我走过去，在孩子身边坐下来，说：“好生气！好生气！太过分了！太过分了！”
孩子惊讶地看了我一眼。
“我这么生气！你们还让我冷静！我更生气了！”我继续说。
孩子点点头：“对，对。”渐渐地身体开始松弛下来。
观察到这点，我才开始问：“能不能告诉我，是什么事情让人这么生气呢？”
于是孩子松开拳头，慢慢把事情说了出来。
Therefore, we need to "translate" the child's emotions first. Only after children are taken care can they calm down and communicate with us in a rational way.
How to appease the mood of children? There was a child who lost his temper on campus and refused to communicate. He was so angry that he seemed to be ready to fight at any time.
I went over, sat down next to the child and said, "I’m so angry! I cannot bear anymore!”
The child gave me a surprised look. I kept on saying.
The child nodded: "You are right!”
Gradually he relaxed himself.
After observing this, I asked, "can you tell me what makes you so angry?"
The child unclenched his fist and slowly told the story.
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正如我们之前说的，情绪是我们大脑的“自带程序”。它会出现，也会消退。我们劝孩子“这有什么可气的？”“为它生气不值得！”“生气对身体不好”，都是为了阻止孩子生气。那么，情绪大脑就会指挥孩子越来越生气。
当情绪出现的时候，打击它、与它对抗，都会让它变得更强。只有温和地看见它的存在，才能让它渐渐退去。
As we said before, emotion is a "built-in program" of our brains.
It will appear and fade.
When we advised the children not be angry, the result was just the opposite, as Emotional Brain will direct the child to get more and more angry.
When emotion appears, hitting it and fighting it will make it stronger. Only when it is accepted by us can it gradually fade away.
What is "to accept the emotion and feel it in a gentle way"?
①从孩子的表情、动作、语调中识别出这些情绪。
②把情绪说出来，告诉孩子：“好生气”/“好难过”/“好开心”，让孩子知道，自己的情绪被看见了。
③允许孩子表达、宣泄自己的情绪。如果孩子表达情绪的方式过于偏激，可以向孩子建议用温和的方式替代。
④如果孩子在控制情绪上有困扰，就更需要看见他们在处理自己情绪时的努力，让孩子对自己控制情绪的能力有信心。
To identify these emotions from the child's expressions, actions and tone.
To describe the emotions of the children to let them know that his or her emotions have been felt by you.
Allow children to express themselves. If your child express himself in an extreme way, you shall advise him or her to use a gentle way instead.
If the children have trouble in controlling themselves, you need to see their efforts in dealing with their emotions to improve their confidence in their abilities to control the emotions.
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当然，更重要的，是成年人的示范。
当我们发现孩子不听话时，自己也会出现各种情绪，比如愤怒、自责、焦虑、委屈、羞愧等。
此时，我们可以允许自己产生情绪，也允许自己在情绪下出现冲动的行为。
不过，当理智大脑重新占据上风的时候，也许我们可以和孩子看看刚刚发生了什么。让孩子知道，有情绪不可怕，更重要的是我们如何应对情绪。
Admittedly, what is more important is the demonstration of adults.
When we find that our children are disobedient, we will also have all kinds of emotions, such as anger, self-remorse, anxiety, grievance, shame and so on.
At this moment, we can allow ourselves to have emotions, and we can also allow ourselves to behave emotionally.
However, when we calm down, we shall rethink what just happened and discuss with our children to let them know that it is not terrible to have emotions. What really matters is how to deal with emotions.
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如果我们与孩子沟通得不够顺畅，也许是沟通方式需要调整。马歇尔·卢森堡博士Marshall B.Rosenberg 的这本《非暴力沟通》能够帮助我们提高沟通水平，增进沟通效率。
长期的情绪困扰会给我们的生活带来许多不便。位于ASJ中学部102的幸福家和103的快乐家，为孩子们提供了温馨的情绪港湾。孩子们可以通过预约，前来放松心情、调节情绪，学习如何更好地与自己相处。
Recommended books
When you find it hard to communicate smoothly with the children, you shall adjust the way of communication.
"Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life” written by Dr. Marshall B.Rosenberg can help us improve the efficiency of communication.
Long-term emotional distress will bring a lot of inconvenience to our lives. Happy home and Happy House located in the MYP of ASJ are warm harbors for children. Through appointments, children can come to relax and adjust their emotions and learn how to get along better with themselves.
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